Being True To Yourself

[RomesFall]

Nostalgic, introverted and procrastinating were words that would have best described me as a teenager on the cusp of adulthood.

Today I couldn't be more different (introversion aside), however flickers of that self still find their way in more often than I would like.

Nobody could have known the things I wanted to do, because people just don't ask. Not here, not in this day and age. Your parents, partner(s), teachers, tutors and friends all have expectations of what you should do, they don't care what you want.

I always did things my way regardless, and people would complement you for the end-result and not the being an individual with faith, patience etc. More importantly though I wasn't 100% sure on what I wanted to do... I had a rough idea and that was enough to get going.

Now I'm being true to myself I face the same crap from others that I did before I got to being self-employed.

Do I care? Should anyone care what others think?

So yeah you guessed it, recently I decided to step back entirely from doing things the same way I've done them for the best part of the last three years and start again from the ground up...

It's not an easy decision to make, but at 25 you've got to make some hard choices... It wasn't about financial, it wasn't about anything more than wanting a change, because I had changed.

Change happens though - good and bad, at some point you must learn to accept it. Once you do that you grow more comfortable with it, if you can own it and decide to direct it - then you learn it's not truly such a bad thing after all.

Setting forth with a new mode of operation, new goals and a 'fresh start' is difficult though. You can lie to yourself and say you have it all figured out, but really you don't. You can pretend that you won't still be flawed in the same damning ways that you always have been but you are.

The reality is that you just have to acknowledge it, because once you do it doesn't control you so much as you control it. Or at least as much as you can.

You see without at least being conscious of these things then you're not going to change for the better. Growth is a positive of change, but it never comes easily.

For many years I suffered with some minor monomania.

In 19th-century psychiatry, monomania (from Greek monos, one, and mania, meaning "madness" or "frenzy") was a form of partial insanity conceived as single pathological preoccupation in an otherwise sound mind.​

I could never do anything unless I let it become my entire life. Balance was never achievable, success was never even a possibility unless I let everything else fall away.

Other strange idiosyncrasies I've had in the past include holding an obsessive grudge against a neighborhood cat because he Bert stared at me and wouldn't break eye contact no matter what I did to try and scare him off.

For the longest time I always had the belief that this 'monomania' was a gift. Perhaps it is in some respects. Still, I've never been able to find true balance in my life, even now, and I think this is why happiness will continue to elude me until I do... Don't get me wrong things are a lot better in regard to balance, but I think that sometimes the best thing I can hope to be is another type of shark.

I have tried very hard over the last 3 years to make time and find the balance, but usually it slips because I struggle to do things unless it's all I'm doing. I've never really got my own projects off the ground until very recently because I used to focus so much on clients.

Stopping client work entirely recently has been a decision I made because I got so frustrated with people who wouldn't let me put in that level of concentration and passion. I'm not suited to the client work and I totally accept it's me at fault and not them. Nonetheless you still get frustrated.

I had to figure out a new business model that would let me give it my all... It needed to be my main reason for getting up every day and something I could build the rest of my life around and find the balance I so desperately want and need.

I started by figuring out that my absolute passion in life is marketing and building online businesses.

"But that's not really a business model in itself" I thought. "I don't want to be another fucking marketing blogger."

Then I remembered @Tavin and how he flips sites and focuses on brand building.

Something I can put my all into? Something that combines my passions of design, marketing and building successful online businesses? Yep.

So that's my business model going forward for now...

So here I am taking a step back from immediate financial gain, building a life where I'm being true to myself as I know from experience that I can't and wont be happy any other way.

You can see my journey thread here - haven't updated it in a while as I've been busy transitioning out of client work, but I will be getting back to it!

I suppose my point is that it's never too late to change, and that we all have our own true nature...

• Our true nature is something we can't change, but we can change the 'type of shark' that we are.​

• You will do nothing but riddle yourself with anxiety if you worry about all the stuff you can't change.​

• Stop fighting against the current, go with it... Be flexible, acknowledge your own strengths and weaknesses.​

• Learn to accept that you are who you are and that it's okay.​

• Do what you know deep down is right for you, no matter if the path is different to what you expected or think you should do.​

• If you already know what the right business model and lifestyle is right for you, don't put it off to be safe because you'll never be safe enough when you're miserable doing what you are doing. You have got to take risks at some point.​

Being true to yourself I think is so important. Isn't it why most of us work doing what we do? We don't want the 9-5 office job until we retire. We don't want to be told what to do by 'the boss'.

We want to live life on our own terms...

So why are so many of us not doing it with our business models online? This is a pretty big chunk of our daily lives we're talking about.

I'm not saying you need to know what you want to do 100% with your life because guess what?

I don't think anyone can ever know that completely and anyone else telling you otherwise is full of it.

However you do need to be true to yourself and stop creating rationalizations for why you're not.

You need to accept yourself fully because like I learned with my monomania-like tendencies I can't change that fundamental part of my personality, no matter that I've tried damn hard for 3 years solid.

Until you accept yourself you can't be true to yourself because your decision making process just isn't the same.

So how are you going to be true to yourself? How have you not been?

 

[RomesFall]

By the way I never did figure out how to break that cat's stare.

He had an iron will.

 

[animalstyle]

First off, cats are super freaky. Snakes in friendly clothing. Don't let it shake you, there are millions more out there who would stare you down without a second thought.

On a serious note though, thank you for sharing. I am in a very similar situation. I'm 26, client work is ruling my life. I spend my hours of client work with my head in my projects. I never get anything done except the thinking portion though. My energy goes into the client work and my thoughts sit with my real desires.

I too am about to make the change and remove most of my client work. Your assessment is spot on about the focus. That one focus to find happiness can be applied to anyone I believe.

Thanks for sharing and I might post again after I have some time to process your post more.

 

[LiptonIce]

Being true to yourself is challenging at times, at least for me.

I think an important thing to realize is that most people are just out for themselves. You tell them your dreams? They look at you like you're some fool, that what you're saying is ridiculous. I find it best just to not even mention it. Some people just don't understand that you want bigger things in life.

In my case it usually involves someone wanting me to come and fuck around with them, instead of actually doing anything which makes progress. People will always try to keep you where you are - it's where they are most comfortable, and the more insecure a person is, the more they will try to do so.

I've learned to ignore these people. Usually they are just mad because they aren't truly following their own dreams.

Fuck um - let them be bitter and resentful. When you're raking it in their tune suddenly changes.

 

[Ryuzaki]

People will always try to keep you where you are - it's where they are most comfortable, and the more insecure a person is, the more they will try to do so.

The only people I know who aren't like this are the other ambitious and open minded people ready to climb to the top, or at least give it an honest-to-god try.

For the rest, it's crabs in a bucket. Whether that's your buddies dismissing your ideas, your parents suggesting you find a "real job," your girlfriend constantly trying to pull you away from work, etc. They don't even know why they are doing it, but @LiptonIce I believe nailed it. It's insecurity.

If you succeed, you're showing them everywhere they've failed. You're forcing them to rearrange their world view and their sense of what's possible. You're showing them that it can be done, only if they make the sacrifices and muster up the level of energy that they simply don't want to do. As long as NOBODY makes it, and everyone continues to agree it's impossible, then the prison bars become invisible again and we can all relax and be ignorant of our position. It's all based on relativity.

For the longest time I always had the belief that this 'monomania' was a gift. Perhaps it is in some respects.

I wonder about this. I love to experience that level of excitement and energy concerning something. I usually do feel it until the real grind begins, and that's where my challenge occurs. Just being able to put on the plow and keep dragging it through the field and planting those seeds.

I believe monomania is a gift and almost a necessity to succeed. For the longest time, the accepted wisdom for folks in our line of work was to spread your eggs in many baskets. But this meant that none of the eggs really got the warmth they needed to hatch. I've always said, put 110% into one project. That's your real ticket, and monomania is most certainly a gift in this regard. Look at guys like @CCarter. He can hone in on one thing like a monster for as long as it takes and stake it all on that one shot. And it always works out, because when you're in monomania mode, you give that project the attention it needs from the most minute detail to the broadest considerations. No stone is left unturned. Given the proper premise, how can you lose.

I do agree with balance, but it's subjective. I can't accomplish it but I've always felt it'd be wise to set time boundaries around work and to step away 100% after a certain # of hours.

 

[RomesFall]

I do agree with balance, but it's subjective. I can't accomplish it but I've always felt it'd be wise to set time boundaries around work and to step away 100% after a certain # of hours.

It's super tricky... I know we're the kinds of people who are interested in a lot of things, have a lot of hobbies and understand that the more we know/understand the better we can think laterally about any given problem.

So once we get these interests and they take a grip on us firmly I think that we find it easy to let other things slip into the backs of our minds and focus solely on one thing...

The problem is those other interests don't go away and I've always felt bad on some level that I'm not finding time for those as well.

A big wake up call was when I was just turned 20 and I had to leave home, all of a sudden this intense focus on one hobby or interest became a big problem. A good example would have been when I was into bodybuilding, it wasn't something I wanted to pursue as a career, however I would spend all day eating and resting around going off to the gym twice.

When I lived at home it wasn't a problem because when it came down to it I wasn't paying to live there, my level of responsibility was basically 0.

In the end I had to make some level of sacrifice in that interest to have any of it in my life at all... It still bugs the crap out of me though, but I think that is part of finding balance.

Sometimes a big part of me thinks that if I was at the level some of the guys around here are at with income that it could go one of two ways. Either I'll find a way to be less hands on with my business and focus most of my spare time on one other interest, or that I'll get sidetracked into something else completely because I'm too comfortable.

In a way I know that all of this inner-turmoil and the long grind I have ahead is important and necessary because if by some strange turn of events I was earning vastly more than I need right now, that I would somehow manage to screw it all up.

In order to find a healthy balance for having everything in my life that I want right now I'm going to have to always be conscious that I have a tendency to lean toward obsession. While that's undeniably a good thing in business as you rightly point out, it's not a good thing when business becomes 100% of your life (if you have other things that are important to you).

Life is a journey and unfortunately we have to be unhappy for a lot of it, but if we weren't we would definitely screw it up.

If I played the lottery, and if I won it... I'd give all of that money away because I didn't work for it. It would be a curse and ruin the natural progression.

Successful balance will come with time, if you want it and if you work for it.

 

[LiptonIce]

The only people I know who aren't like this are the other ambitious and open minded people ready to climb to the top, or at least give it an honest-to-god try.

For the rest, it's crabs in a bucket. Whether that's your buddies dismissing your ideas, your parents suggesting you find a "real job," your girlfriend constantly trying to pull you away from work, etc. They don't even know why they are doing it

@Ryuzaki

Yeah you get it man.

People wanna see results. It's like if you're working on a project/site/campaign etc, and you know deep down that you are going to be successful no matter what. Lets say it's extremely viable and you've got a solid plan - you tell that to someone and get a blank stare; "Yeah, sure, but how much are you making?" - "You've been doing this for years and don't have much to show for it." - "Internet marketing doesn't work, get a job."

These answers are just so that the person, whoever it may be, can feel better about themselves. Their mediocre relationship and "job", which makes them so happy that they feel the need to bring you down, apparently? Makes a whole lot of sense.

As you said man, they don't know why they do it, you don't know why they do it, I sure as fuck don't know why they do it either. One thing I do know is that they want to see the cash money - nothing else will shut them up.

 

[RomesFall]

As you said man, they don't know why they do it, you don't know why they do it, I sure as fuck don't know why they do it either. One thing I do know is that they want to see the cash money - nothing else will shut them up.

Once they see the money then depending on their attitude you'll probably observe 1 of 2 possibilities;

(1). "Can you teach me / help me." - This typical response is a direct sign that they still believe they work harder than you because they work a 'real' job. So being successful online is surely easy right?

I helped someone once, I learned my lesson quickly... They lasted about a fortnight.

(2). Passive aggressive behavior. - Faked enthusiasm (usually very noticeable) eventually these people will find excuses to dislike you and pull away because by this point you've reached a modicum of success which means that you're mentally strong enough to not let naysayers and saboteurs affect you.

I've experienced this as well with old 'friends' talking about me behind my back... Apparently I was doing something illegal, because you know you can't make money online *rolls eyes*.

Bonus shit: Getting used for your money. Ding, ding, ding first prize assh()le.

Generally the majority of people aren't worth the time to even think about. This is why I focus a lot more of my time and mental energy on improving my self, many will see it as selfish - but you shouldn't care. Those who have proven themselves to be worth my time get extra attention and care and I can be a better friend to the few that I do have.

Other people can't make you happy so we shouldn't seek out approval, ratification etc.

Most people who fit into the categories above, people who you @LiptonIce and @Ryuzaki also pointed out, are the ones who care what others think and so therefore try to 'get to you' in that way... They are incapable of being alone because they hate themselves, they seek happiness externally.

They are the ones who want to be ratified, to be made to feel special and if all else fails they will make themselves feel good by making others feel bad.

These people are the exact opposite of what we would call our work in progress of the self.

I see BuilderSociety as a place for people that aren't just looking to achieve their goals in online business or make a lot of money. In fact it's not just BuSo, but I think BuSo in particular could become something special... People who are generally living this relatively new way of life that is still scoffed at by the majority, well it reminds me of the bodybuilding sub-culture in the 60s & 70s.

I think that BuilderSociety has enough of the right people involved that we can all benefit and lead better lives in general, becoming better people by passing on the right values and lessons. Just helping one another in general. A real community.

We must absolutely talk about subjects like this because there are people out there who are under a lot of pressure from those around them to quit and the thing is if you tell a dog it's a cat for long enough it's probably going to believe it.

I massively appreciate all the content that @Ryuzaki has already done in the garden section because it's helped me in a lot of ways... So let's keep passing it on, even stuff that may seem self-evident to many of us really can be something new and immensely helpful to others.

 

[LiptonIce]

@RomesFall

BuSo is already a special place man.

It's kinda hard to describe, and I can't recall where I actually heard about it, probably @CCarter one of his posts. I'd like it to stay a small community of people - and as you mentioned, it seems like a place for everyone to improve in all areas of their life, not just business.

I'm still new here, and just scratching the surface really, but I think there are big things to come. A lot of cool cats here for sure - intelligent ones too.

These are just the kind of people I want to be around.

 

[emp]

Urghs... seriously

90% of the people (even more) I tried to help don't do ANYTHING.
I have done pretty much full SEO audits, design reviews, usability feedback, etc... for fucking free online.
And people simply do nothing.

I've even had clients who pay me ~ 2-3K for a SEO review... and they do nothing afterwards.

I even list action items in an easy to digest way, including why and how, investment and risk.. still nothing.

::emp::

 

[LiptonIce]

@emp

One guy I know laughs at internet marketing and thinks it doesn't work. Then he wants me to help him. Since I don't have a huge ego I actually did - gave him some tips and resources etc.

This clown didn't do shit either. He just probably read a few threads and called it a day. The guy doesn't even know how affiliate marketing works, yet he claims it's nonsense. I thought by trying to help him he might actually appreciate it a bit more, but no, he's teaching English now - badly.

If this dumbass actually followed what I said he could be making money. Wish I told him to go to WickedFire now and get a nice warm welcome.

 

[c4yrslf12]

If this dumbass actually followed what I said he could be making money. Wish I told him to go to WickedFire now and get a nice warm welcome.

No reason you can't still give him the old WickedFire meatspin redirect... At least he'd get the taste.

 

[LiptonIce]

No reason you can't still give him the old WickedFire meatspin redirect... At least he'd get the taste.

Maybe one for the future eh... but I don't plan to speak to him anytime soon.